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Until We Meet again..

I remember that day when..

My father decided to leave us.

After almost 1 year, 51 weeks, of being in this vegitative state, my father has decided to pass on onto his next endeavor. Friday, July 22nd 2016, at 830pm, was the day and time he chose to leave.

“He was waiting for you!” my mom said as I have arrived from my trip that same morning. “He loves you and your brother and sister so much that it is so like him to choose to leave us today, after you are back, just in time for you to see him one last time.”

As I’ve recently come to learn that there is no such thing as coincidence, i truly believe in my mom’s wise words. My father did wait for me to come home safe, to allow me to see him one last time, to say my goodbyes, and to love him even more.

Farewell, my dearest father, you always were, you always are, and you always will be in our hearts. You are one beautiful soul, and I am so proud and grateful to be in your life journey as your youngest daughter. Forever we are connected, and I look forward to the day I see your smile, hear your laughter, and feel your arms around me again. 

I love you always.

Mai

 

6 Months…Part II

I remember that day when..
6 months have passed since we last smiled at each other..

Following those first 3 months, I got a phone call from my mother-in-law, begging me to agree to join her for breakfast. After say no to her so many times, I was, once again, forced to do something I didn’t want to, and that was to accept her invitation.

I got up, got dressed, went to meet her and my sisters in-law for breakfast. I pushed myself to smile and socialize, only to realize one thing…. that was actually fun!

Another week passes by, with that same cloud glooming over me, and at that time it felt normal to be in that state of sadness; only until I accepted another invite for breakfast, we were to celebrate a friend’s birthday, which was once again… fun!

This new feeling I was experiencing, the feeling of Fun, was strange to me at that time. It got me thinking about our situation; am I allowed to have fun so soon? I wondered. It is ok to go out and live about? I questioned myself. Am I ready to live again? I considered. Other than visiting my father every day, praying for his recovery, was there anything else I can do to help? I doubted.

I have forgotten how great it was to be able to feel, to genuinely smile without faking it, and to truly appreciate all the support we’ve been receiving from family and friends.

I have forgotten to believe in fate, to see the good in every situation, and to accept the reality we are in.

Today, I am truly grateful that God has protected my father from living another day with this horrifying disease. Although we mourn and miss him every day, yet, I believe he is in a better place now than he was 6 months ago!

I love you dad & I’ll Miss you Always.

6 Months

I remember that day when..
6 months have passed since we last spoke..

The End of January marked my father’s 6 month’s turning point for when he lost his consciousness.

6 months has passed with my family experiencing waves of emotional trauma. Emotions vary between constant sadness & crying, to hoping for a miracle, to accepting reality with numbness, to gratitude for Allah’s mercy on his soul.

6 months started with utter darkness, feeling that there was no reason to live, laugh, or have fun. There was no reason to work, eat healthy or exercise. There was no reason to continue… yet we have no choice but to live.

With this darkness, I became distant, grumpy, sad, and moody. I was forced to wake up every day when all I wanted was to sleep. I was forced to go to work and smile, when I didn’t want to. I was forced to eat, when I already lost my appetite. I was forced to look nice and act as if everything was ok, when I felt the exact opposite.

The darkness invaded my life, effected my work, stopped my social life, and disrupted my marriage. The darkness overhauled every decision I made, every step I took, and every word I said. For 3 months it remained constant, a black cloud following me wherever I go, plaguing my world and the world of those around me.

As I try to move forward, trying to be positive, that cloud followed me around. As I try to be social, talking to family members who also visit my father, welcoming my friends to visit me at my home, staying focused at work… yet that cloud was still around.

As I try to recall all our efforts to help him, I couldn’t help but wonder how we might have failed him, what was it that we might have missed out on, would he have been in a better place if we did things differently?

To be cont.

My Father is Walking Again..

I remember that day when..

I dreamt that my father was walking towards me..

It was such a lovely moment that i wanted it to last forever! Funny how simple things I always took for granted are now more precious than ever..

As he was getting closer to me, I sadly woke up and realized.. it was only a dream!

Perhaps he wanted to tell me something?

What do you think?

Time is Running..

I remember that day when..

I have so much to say, but don’t know where to start!

I can tell you about my father’s daily struggle to live normally, starting with the day of diagnosis till the day he lost his consciousness..
Total duration? 2 months!

I can tell you about my father’s emotional struggle that lead to his depression.. we had to give him anti-depressants without his knowledge!

I can tell you about my father’s inability to swallow so a feeding tube was inserted up his nose and down his throat.. and only then he said to me: “No, I am Not ok!”

I can tell you about my father’s inability to talk..so he started writing out his thoughts on a white board in order to communicate..

I can tell you about my father’s second admittance to the hospital that lasted 16 days.. and his comment was: “I might be the only person in the world who arrived at the hospital in a private car, yet left it in an ambulance!”

I can tell you about the time where my father’s only mode of transportation was the ambulance.. as it was the only vehicle that can handle moving a bed!

I can tell you about my father’s third admittance to the hospital where he lost his consciousness..
3 months ago and counting..

So much has happened.. in such a short time.. yet it felt as if years went by…

Change.. is Inevitable

I remember that day when..

We realized that we needed to make major changes… and fast!

As my father’s symptoms were progressing, and that was before we found out what was wrong, we had to do random changes around the house to accommodate his needs..

Making decisions on what to change, how, and when was a main concern for all of us, especially for my mother who did not do well with change!

Change started in his bedroom and the family living room, where we removed any carpets that were in his way. Change progressed to his bathroom, where handrails were installed all around the walls and the toilet was replaced by another that was friendlier for the dis-abled.

More changes happened as we found out what my father’s illness was. We knew he is going to be weaker and more fragile, which means he will need all the help and support we can give round the clock.

We knew he was going to need another caregiver to cover the night shift – as my mother is not strong enough to protect and carry him if he falls.

We knew that he will be wheelchair bound, and eventually bed ridden, which means he will need a comfortable wheelchair and a medical bed.

We knew that we had to monitor his eating and breathing because sooner or later, he will not be able to chew, swallow or breathe independently; and only then we must depend on the professional doctors to help..

The Nightmare Continues

I remember that day when..

My father continued to need help, and we were ready to end the nightmare!

Now that help was available, my Uncle A started to take my father out almost every morning. They would pass by the office first, and then meet with their siblings for coffee later.

We were happy that it was now easier for dad to live his life again, with assistance and monitoring ofcourse, but atleast he is no longer a prisoner in his own home. In the evenings, his guests, family and friends, continued to visit him on daily basis, and for that we are all forever grateful!

It was already May, we had to wait a couple more weeks before our trip to Germany in early June; we also had to wait for his Doctor, the neurologist, to return from her trip and see him! We all looked forward to that trip, and we all looked forward to end this nightmare!

Little did we know, that very soon after, the trip to Germany was going to be cancelled, that my father’s disease was terminal, and that the nightmare will continue for as long as he lives!